ave you read a newspaper or listened to the trusty old radio recently? It sure is a crazy world out there, what with the terrorists and ubiquitous global political upheaval and all. It makes you think, doesn't it? What would you do if something like that happened here in the land of the brave? Scary thought, I know.
Hello there, I'm Chance McWhitey -- you may recognize me from other educational pieces such as Commie Mischief and Now That's Unamerican. The good folks at RTB Media paid inexplicable sums to bring me here today to guide you through what to do in the event of a coup, right here in the U-S of A. They also spared no expense on a set of graphics and images to help you...
Oh, hey there, Timmy! This is Timmy Dumbnuts, he'll be helping me show you the ropes of a post-collapse small unit tactical subversion. Now Timmy, what did I tell you about letting your mouth show people how stupid you are? America is no more protected from a homegrown coup than it is from homosexual marriage or ISIS.
That's a coup, Timmy. I used force to instill a set of values in you that better serve my purposes. In this case, it was justified, because you were being a little shit.
It sure does, chief. Now let's not keep the nice Christian folks waiting...
Picture a world with me, folks: Democracy has collapsed under the weight of corruption and injustice. The government is attempting to take your property, your land, against your will. Pockets of resistance have boiled over into all-out citizen warfare. Can you see it, Timmy?
Easy there, pal, this isn't meant to scare you. It's important to have a plan in place to make sure you know what to do in order to survive in an environment like this. There are three essential keys to surviving and resisting a government insurgency. The first key is having a strong base and advantageous area of operation. Secondly, you need a trustworthy and dependable crew -- a strong squad. Lastly, you need a steady stream of supplies -- from the essentials like food and water, to the other essentials like weights and recreational drugs. If you take proper care of these three elements, you are sure to greatly increase your chance of not only surviving, but thriving!
Which is why you and I are going to go through each element one by one, you little rascal.
Before we get too far into the weeds with the details, I want to take a moment to touch upon tactical posture. With the world falling apart, you can bet your bottom dollar that there will be others just like you -- rascally veterans that have been dreaming of this moment their entire adult lives. They might not be friendly. It's crucial to adhere to the following motto: Slay and Display. Be sure to not only to mercilessly pursue your enemies, but to adorn your vehicles, base and anything else that might need decoration with the spoils of your conquest.
Base and Area of Operations
There are a few things to keep in mind when identifying and setting up a patrol base. For starters, this is going to be your new home -- you'll want to find something that provides as many of the creature comforts you've grown used to as possible. Otherwise, little Timmy here would end up spending all of his time doing menial hygiene work, like shoveling shit into a hole and burning it. You will also want as much isolation as possible without setting yourself up too far from the cities and towns that you will need to raid, sometimes violently, in order to procure supplies. The last consideration is defensibility -- look for properties and structures that provide natural landscapes advantageous for funneling any would-be attackers into minefields, for example.
Here's an example of an ideal patrol base and area of operations:
Say it with me, chief: Creature comforts, relative isolation and defensibility. Now unless you're fortunate enough to already be living in a home that has these attributes, you will likely need to take your desired location by force. To accomplish that, you will need a crew.
Band of Bastards
Sure, you've made a fairly agreeable living for yourself since hanging up your uniform -- hell, maybe you’ve even excelled! But be honest for a moment. Nothing gets your heartrate up to unsustainable levels faster than thinking about getting into gunfights and living the suck-life with your war buddies -- in perpetuity. Why, I'm sure that even little Timmy here has a dozen or so friends, a few really gruff-for-their-age-type kids, that he wouldn't mind going guns-up with, don't you?
You're never too young to start fighting, pal. Now, there are two types of individuals you will need in order to build a functional squad with a diverse set of capabilities: leaders and consummate yes-men. You see, everyone fights, but you need leaders to handle the administrative, organizational and planning activities, and you need yes-men – whose need for group acceptance relentlessly trumps their own sense of self-worth -- to handle all of the shit the leaders don't want to do. It's the perfect system!
Squad organization is imperative, and it should be done immediately: Find your buddies, organize your squad and plan the siege and seizure of your patrol base. If you are having trouble making sure you find squad members that meet the needs of your operation, consult this complementary RTB Coup Crew Checklist:
Now we move on to the lifeblood of any effective combat unit: the supply chain. The effectiveness – and more importantly, the comfort – of a squad depends both on the quantity and breadth of the supplies it can obtain and on the routes and systems in place to ensure a reliable obtainment process. You will need copious amounts of guns, ammunition, food, tobacco, alcohol, sufficiently potent marijuana, weights, steroids and various supplements, porn-ridden hard drives, computers for the porn and administrative purposes – essentially, you really do need almost everything you can get your hands on. You will also need reliable means of transporting the bountiful spoils of anarchy that you happen upon.
If you followed the guidelines provided by the RTB Coup Crew Checklist, chances are good that about half of your squad consists of truck owners. Despite being relentlessly mocked by almost everyone when they bought them, having these trucks now will make your pseudo-cowboy friends look like geniuses. It is highly suggested that you take additional steps in armoring and outfitting your transportation with the means necessary to suppress large elements of opposing forces. The more punch your wheels can take – and deliver – the better!
Cram it, kid! If regular patrols into a nearby city for supply runs are too risky for you and your squad, you can always take the homegrown route for your food and drug needs. Unfortunately, you can’t grow bullets, so for some items, supply patrols will be necessary. But not to worry – if you’ve been following along, your fleet of apocalypse-inspired, upgraded F-250 Super Duties should provide all the comfort and maneuverability you can ask for.
Hopefully, you’ve learned something here today – I know Timmy has. Remember that coups can happen to you. You won’t know when or where, but armed with this knowledge, you’ll know exactly what to do!
Dan Willis was an infantryman in the Marine Corps from 2010-2015 after a tumultuous and short career on Wall Street, serving with Fox Company 2/9. He is currently working on his undergraduate degree in economics at Columbus State Community College, and expects to finish at The Ohio State University. Dan humbly serves as RTB Media's Creative Director and Co-founder. Follow Dan on Twitter.