hen 1st Battalion, 8th Marines received the news that they would be the first ground combat unit to become fully gender integrated, there were mixed reactions. The general consensus was that there would be certain complications - some foreseen, others not. However, Third Platoon, the only platoon to receive a female infantry officer, is dealing with issues nobody saw coming.



“I am now absolutely certain that she’s getting all of her training from Pinterest,” claims LCpl Edward Poulin, a fire team leader with Third Platoon. “At first I thought it was just regular dumb shit, like how all boot LT’s plan field ops. Eventually I realized it was some next-level, super-advanced dumb shit. I started seeing this pattern emerge.”



Poulin Claims the Marines began to get suspicious after their new Platoon Commander, 2nd LT Ashley Ward, ordered the platoon to build a ‘cute storage shelf for the company area out of those leftover MRE boxes.’



“I saw her put a bunch of those dumb little cactus-looking plants on it like my girlfriend has in her dorm.” Said Poulin, referring to an easy-to-care-for plant family, commonly known as a succulent. “I swear to God, I saw her make some of that shitty MRE coffee in a repurposed mason jar, too.”



“That was a weird move, for sure,” Said Squadleader Cpl James Madeiros. “One time, she had us make all these stupid little lights for the bivouac site by putting green chemlites in beverage bags and hanging them from the trees.”



She’s got us doing these stupid platoon photos every field op, too. Fucking 1st Platoon keeps ripping on us,” said Madeiros, as he placed the finishing touches on a chalkboard reading ‘Flirty Third, Arts & FieldCrafts’, before placing it gently atop a hay bale.



“Could be worse though,” added Madeiros. “At least we get tents now.”

Tyler McCarthy served in the Marine Corps from 2010 to 2015, first as rifleman then as a Scout Sniper. He was assigned to 2/9 Weapons Co., deploying twice to Afghanistan and once more to Okinawa. He currently lives in Boston, and is working towards an undergraduate degree in architectural design. Follow Tyler on Twitter.

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