Camp Lejeune, NC - In what is being heralded as the largest bust in NCIS history, Marines from 2nd Law Enforcement Battalion and agents from Naval Criminal Investigative Services have successfully raided the infamous crime syndicate known as the Lance Corporal Underground. The raid, which occurred late in the evening on Thursday, February 16th, was conducted by a joint task force consisting of Marines from 2nd LEB and agents from NCIS, and had been painstakingly planned over a period of 5 years.
An anonymous tip from a Marine stationed on Camp Lejeune led the special task force to an undisclosed barracks building on Hadnot Point Thursday night, where it was reported that members of the Underground were cooking up homemade Pre-workout powder.
“We had a very reliable source within the Underground community who informed us that Marines in his barracks were making gains like he’d never seen before,” said SSgt Evan McDaniels, an agent with 2nd LEB. “He starts telling us that kids who were on double-rats at bootcamp, coming in at a buck-thirty with their plate carriers on, were all of a sudden squat-pressing coffin racks in their rooms. We knew right then and there that the Underground was probably cooking this stuff. It’s not your granddaddy’s Jack3d.”
SSgt McDaniels went on to tell the Jacksonville Times that he and the 42 other Marines making up the joint LEB and NCIS task-force descended on the HP barracks room quickly and outfitted with special hazmat gear.
“The process for cooking ‘Pre’ -- that’s what we call it -- it’s inherently dangerous. The stuff they sell at the PX, that’s not what these guys are cooking. We knew we had to be ready for a toxic environment. But the lab they were running was a surprisingly tight operation for a bunch of Lance Corporals, so we were fortunate.” They found 300 pounds of 100% pure ephedra-based Pre-workout Powder, neatly packaged and prepared for mass distribution throughout the II MEF.
McDaniels and the rest of the task force were able to apprehend three junior Lance Corporals, all of whom refused to cooperate during questioning. Additional complications arose early Friday morning when law enforcement discovered that no actual laws existed within either the UCMJ or civilian criminal code forbidding the private manufacture and distribution of Pre.
“Right now, we’re just holding them. I’m not even sure how long we can legally do this, but we’ve spoken to their 1st Sergeant -- he just told us to make sure that they keep their cells cleaned up. So right now we’re just going to keep them here until we can get an anti-Pre law on the books, they decide to cooperate, or until their unit deploys next month.”
While the fates of the three Lance Corporal Underground Marines caught up in Wednesday night’s raid remains unknown, a person familiar with the LCU anonymously informed the Times that plans for retaliation are already being drafted. A note left on our editor’s desk, presumably from the Underground, read, “for everyone one of us that falls, two more will rise in his or her place.”
The implications of the note notwithstanding, their apparent inclusivity was surprising.
The Jacksonville Times and its staff has turned over the note and all other pertinent evidence to the 2nd LEB & NCIS task-force, and in so-doing learned that a larger-scale investigation of the LCU may be in the works. “We’re not prepared to comment further on that matter at this time. But one thing is for sure: If you start seeing otherwise scrawny little Marines actually using the gym and workout equipment on base, you should give us a call -- because they’re probably high on Pre.”
Dan Willis was an infantryman in the Marine Corps from 2010-2015 after a tumultuous and short career on Wall Street, serving with Fox Company 2/9. He is currently working on his undergraduate degree in economics at Columbus State Community College, and expects to finish at The Ohio State University. Dan humbly serves as RTB Media's Creative Director and Co-founder. Follow Dan on Twitter.