ey there, Devil! So word on the street is that you want to buy a new car? Now, that’s all fine and dandy, but Gunny Tarawa is gonna’ need you to stand by for a second. I know you’re ready to blow some money on a sweet new ride that the honeys will love, but you can’t just go to the dealership all willie-nillie. There’s a method to the madness, and with these basic SOPs on buying a car, we’ll have you locating, closing, and destroying the salesman faster than Chesty Puller received his Navy Crosses.
First, we need to pick out the kind of ride you’re going to woo all the ladies with. You think Gunny had to get his bore punched all those times because he drove a Kia? Hell no, and it won’t happen for you either. It needs to be sexy, yet functional, able to make it to the strip club quickly with all your buddies in tow. It needs to be fast, because everyone knows the main strip on Lejeune is only there to show off your ponies and put that Lieutenant’s wife who think she’s all fancy in her husband’s car in her place by blowing their doors off. With these criteria, you’re either looking for a truck that you can jack up (helps establish dominance on that IPAC Marine driving his Kia), or a muscle car, like a base model Mustang or Camaro. If you go the muscle car route, make sure it has racing stripes; they help let the cops and PMO know that you’re faster than them, so they shouldn’t even bother trying to stop you when you’re late for work on account of your Wednesday morning hangover (sidenote: Nothing shows your boss that you’re dedicated to the cause by showing up in the morning with a hangover from the night before, they’ll love it).
Next is the apparel you’re going to wear. Your mom or dad or useless uncle probably told you that you need to dress fairly fancy when going to the dealership, so that they take you seriously. Fucking wrong. In fact, you shouldn’t listen to them anymore – about anything. That’s what I’m here for. Nobody is going to listen to you if you dress like a POG – its simple fact – so you’ve got to make sure you look as Grunt as possible. Now the most important part is the shirt. It’s center mass, right in the field of view of those fuckers at the dealership, so you want him to know you mean business. I myself prefer Tapout, Article 15, or Nine Line. These shirts will guarantee that you’re not just some loser looking for an A –to-B Ride, but a hard charging badass who will accept nothing less than the finest automotive machinery available to man. Pants are up to you, but make sure you tuck that shirt in. You’re not a slob, and nothing says “I’m legit” like wearing proper civilian attire. For footwear, pull out those boots with the EGA on them. Not only do those get the ladies all hot and bothered, but it helps solidify your badass-ness, and everybody knows that real Marines wear their combat boots everywhere they go, rain or shine. Hell, all of Gunny’s footwear consists of just differently modified Marine Corp Regulation Boots. Flip flops, sneakers, you name it, I got that shit, because I’m dedicated to the Corps. Lastly, don’t forget your backpack. Now, make sure you make it is as heavy as possible, because tomorrow you’ve got a 20k to go on, and I don’t care if you got Dental, your ass will be there. Anyways, the salesman needs to know that you’re in it for the long run, and the backpack shows that you’re ready to stay all fucking night if need be, because you’re a Grunt, and Grunts don’t back down from a fight.
Alright, now you’re dressed to impress with obvious tactical and psychological advantages with your attire, so it’s time to discuss negotiation tactics. First, just in case the dude doesn’t get it that you’re a badass, let him know that you’re in the military and/or a veteran. Do this by opening with a line that begins with “As a veteran…..” or “As a Grunt….,” so that he knows exactly who he’s dealing with. This gives you the upper hand, because they know grunts don’t negotiate with terrorists. Notify him that you’re here for that black base model Mustang with the racing stripes, because that’s the only ride that will meet your elevated military standards. If he tries to change your mind because of “cost” or “maintenance”, tell him to fuck off, that you’re not to be trifled with because you’ve seen some shit, and don’t play well with others. Also, we need to discuss interest rates. Your friends or parents or leadership may have told you that a lower interest rate is better, but think of interest points like magazines for your rifle. Do you want a magazine with 3 rounds in it or 25 rounds? Exactly, and who do you think is smarter, your mom or Gunny with 8 Combat Deployments? You’re damn right I’m smarter, so make sure you notify whoever’s financing your car loan that you will accept nothing less than 25%, and that you’re not a dumbass so they shouldn’t even try to get it lower, or you’ll take your business elsewhere. Also, try to make the smallest down payment you can, and stretch out the loan as long as you can, so the monthly payments are smaller, because you gotta' have money for booze, smokes, and other essentials – like gasoline.
Look at that. Now you’ve got a fine piece of car that will help you pull all the strange you could ever want, with a good interest rate and low monthly payments for the next 96 months. Gunny told you he would take care of you, and Gunny is a man of his word. Gunny will stop by periodically to help you out with other important decisions, like which stripper from the club you’re gonna’ marry, or how much of your paycheck you should spend on beer, but if you need anything before that, go ahead and stop on by. Just don’t do it after 1600, if you do, Gunny will slay your ass.
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